Monday, February 9, 2009

Girl Disappearing

With girl disappearing
what on earth’s occurring?
‘cause she’s right in front of me
a girl disappearing
to some secret prison
behind her eyes she whispers

Alot is new in my life. i have so much to tell you. i
really dont know where to start. im finnally happy again
I've finnaly become true to myself and my
feelings, and I've made some dramatic life
changes. since i was extremy little I sufferd from an
idenity disorder. basicaly when i was little i thought i
was a girl and it took a long time for my family to convince
me other wise. i surpressed it for years. when i got with
you in new york it actually went away because i knew you
wouldnt understand, and i was head over heels in love with
you. after we finnaly seperated i went through it mentaly
i wanted to kill myself all the time. you now
how difficult that seperation was for us. but after alot of
therapy by myself and with my entire family. i realized i
was meant to be a girl. while i was home i became a
girl. my whole family accepts and love it. my mother even
told me it was the best thing i could have done. im
finnaly living my life the way it suppose to be lived. i
hope you dont hate me. you're the last to find out
because of my fear of your hatered and misunderstanding.
hopefully one day you'll undeerstand.

I'll love you always Baby Boy,

Received this email from the first and only true love of my life at 3am in the morning two days ago.

P.S. This letter hit me like a freight train.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Amanda's Boy

Oh why
amanda's boy
what he do to me
why won't
what he do to her
he do to me
you know i need amanda's boy
why can't i leave him alone

I probably have always liked guys. You know how some people say that they were born gay….. well, I am not sure about that. I am sure that many people probably knew that I was gay before I knew I was gay: the kids who taunted me in school, my sister who cut me deep with her nasty remarks, and probably my mother who chose to ignore the issue all together.

I did not accept that I was gay and liked boys until the summer of my ninth grade year. Stefon Potts was a rising Junior and we traded numbers on the last day of school. He was tall, handsome, honey-brown, with an endless trail of curly, wavy hair. He went a whole year, barely speaking to me. We were in my school’s musical right before the end of year term. I, an eighth grader, had landed a lead role. I could not sing. I could barely tap. I really don't know how I got it, but I got it. Stefon was always laughing at how bad my singing was and so when he gave me his number, I was quite shocked.

I could not wait to get home and call him.
When I first called him, we talked for four hours. We talked about everything. Stefon said that he loved talking to me and boy, did I love talking to him. As soon as Stefon's mom left for work the next morning, he called my house. This was great because my mom had just left for work too. We talked all day, from 7:00 am until 7:00 pm (that was when both of our moms came back home from work).

Our conversations would start off innocent, but by the second week they were getting heavy, heavy, heavy. Stefon was telling me about all the sex he was having with his girlfriend at the time, Jennifer, and all the positions they would do it in. Growing up a true, anti-social, sheltered, mama’s boy, I never really knew how sex worked, but Stefon gave me some lengthy lessons. He told me everything. He even told me about jacking off. I promise! He told me that using lotion and a sock was his favorite way to do it and that I should try it too. All I had to do was stroke my penis, and think about something that turned me on. He even suggested that we do it together, on the phone. I was jacking off four times in one day, wishing that I was Jennifer and that Stefon did all that freaky shit to me instead of her.

When my sister's internship ended that summer, she had nothing else to do but stay at home. She would notice my phone habits and sometimes eavesdrop. Instead of telling my mom, she waited until a huge family function, and told my aunt about the whole ordeal. My aunt then called my mom at work, repeating with her own added shit everything that my sister told her. I cried like I had never cried before. I was caught. More than that, I felt like I had shamed my mom.

I lied and told my mom that Stefon and I was working on a project for my accelerated English class that was really hard. I was embarrassed and upset. My sister must have felt bad because after that she allowed me to continue talking to this boy on the phone for twelve hours every day, not saying anything.

On the first day of school, I was so excited. I could hardly sleep the night before. As soon as I saw Stefon, I ran up to him and before I could even spit out a word, he turned away sharply, giving me this look as if I was the scum of the fucking earth.

I was gay and more than that I wanted something that I could not have.

P.S. And then a nasty little pattern began