Silent All These Years

Years go by will i still be waiting
for somebody else to understand
years go by if i'm stripped of my beauty
and the orange clouds raining in my head
years go by will i choke on my tears
till finally there is nothing left
one more casualty
you know we're to EASY easy easy

She said that she thought she would kill her baby. She said that her insurance would go up and they would take more money out of her check. So close. He almost made it to Christmas.

I just sat there listening.
I just sat there listening.
He was dying.
I just sat there listening.

Do you know how that kills me? How pieces die?

Like that time she told me about her relationship with some boy and I couldn’t share because the thought of some boy would make her stomach turn. How about that time I begged her to come when all he could do was cum?

When she explained to me the details of her sex life, I died 1000 times thinking about how she would vomit disgust when I told her about mine. I have never been in my sex life because I’ve been there…somewhere else…thinking about that same vomit.

He could tell me his whole life story and all I could give is bit and pieces because I knew that only one bit would send everything drizzling downhill.

So I sat down, got dressed up, and played the same notes that I knew would get a standing ovation…hoping one day they would consider standing to some different notes.

Don’t forget the time my grandfather kept asking me over and over again about my girlfriend. Never about my school or my grades that I gave up life to earn. He never asked about the job that took all my time… about the internship that they said was impossible to get…but I got it…With no sleep…I got the impossible. But it has never been about things with any of them… just about the girl.

So yeah, I have tons of girl friends but no girlfriend. Is that all? No that is not all. Did you know she wanted to kill her baby? Not my girl friend…but your little girl. Get off all those invisible girls and get on that visible girl. Most of all she needs some talk and not a listen. I don’t think Jesus is getting through at the moment.

Of course I couldn’t get through. I have made me invisible. I have been on mute, somewhere underneath, in a room, with a computer and some earphones, melting away.

Do you think I’ll always play along?
That I will always listen?
That my feedback, at most will be never from my own experience.
I can’t give my experiences.
I don’t know my experiences.
Do you think that I will ever be in depth?
Do you think that I will get tired of playing in this role… this con…this fake… this contrived fucking bullshit?
Will I ever be able to get me back?


P.S. some things inside just do not come out.